Preface: This is an article that may evoke strong emotions. It is meant to make you laugh and question whether psychotherapy might be right for you. Please don’t be offended, just stop reading, if this is not for you.
Let’s face it
Psychotherapy? Totally overrated. Who needs it really, when you could just…do everything right from the very beginning? Here’s a helpful, completely realistic checklist to find out if you are one of the chosen few who genuinely don’t need therapy.
Step 1: You were Born Right.
No C-section. No birth trauma. Your mother? Calm, grounded, probably a mindfulness coach. She listened to Mozart in the womb, avoided caffeine, and your father read The Conscious Parent cover to cover twice.
Also, you were breastfed. But not too long—just the optimal window.
Step 2: Completely Untraumatized Childhood.
No yelling. No neglect. No emotionally unavailable dads who “meant well”. No mother who weaponized silence.
Instead, forest kindergarten followed by Montessori schooling.
Family dinner every night – with eye contact – and ingredients grown in the home garden.
Your parents had healthy boundaries, used “I” statements, and took breaks before losing their temper.
Step 3: Socially Nourished.
Your friends? Empathic, securely attached, and fluent in nonviolent communication.
Your partner? Speaks about emotions openly, journals daily, and occasionally cries while watching Pixar movies.
Also goes to therapy. Obviously.
Step 4: Ideal Work-Life Balance.
You have a career that aligns with your values, gives you purpose, and pays six figures.
But you’re not materialistic.
You have passive income through your thriving side business, and still make time for pottery.
You’re ambitious but grounded. Competitive but collaborative. Your colleagues all love you and come to you for support, but respect your boundaries.
Step 5: Holistic Physical Health.
You sleep 8.2 hours per night and wake up naturally.
You eat organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, locally sourced products.
You are vegan – for the planet – and take supplements to support this lifestyle.
Your water is triple filtered through osmosis – you are of course alcohol-free.
You go to all your medical check-ups before they are due.
Also:
- You lift weights like an ancient Greek god or goddess.
- You run marathons for mental clarity – and to support breast cancer.
- You microdose responsibly.
Step 6: Wholesome Mental Health.
You do breathwork.
You’re trauma-informed and trigger-aware.
You meditate. But also pray because you are agnostic, not atheist.
You listen to podcasts with titles like Emotions for All and The Nervous System Diaries.
And you only scroll Instagram for authentic content. Like therapy memes. And vargus nerve exercises.
Result: Absolutely No Therapy Required.
If you have just ticked one of the boxes above, congratulations! You are one of the very rare people who don’t need psychotherapy.
You’ve transcended. You’re probably made of oat milk and self-awareness. Your nervous system is as relaxed as a jungle cat lying on a tree branch.
You are the safe space.
But for the rest of us?
Yeah, therapy might still be a good idea.
P.S. Even if you are that unicorn—guess what? You’d still probably enjoy therapy. It’s like a mental spa day. For the soul. With less eucalyptus and more existential breakthroughs.
